First things first: if you’re going to watch it, just watch it. I’ll probably watch it myself one day, out of sheer morbid curiosity - the kind we have when faced with an anonymous car wreck.
Movies are a form of art and they should be discussed - in fact, you’ll probably have even more reasons to complain if you paid to see watch something like 50 Shades Darker.
But all of the reasons why you shouldn’t waste your time with this new one come from the previous movie, so here’s why you should watch something else for Valentine’s Day.
SPOILERS: from the first 50 Shades of Grey and minor plot spoilers from 50 Shades Darker. If you care.
1. Anastasia Steele is a terrible protagonist
Anastasia is weak, impressionable, easily manipulated, and worst of all, completely ignorant to the gravity of her actions.
Not every protagonist needs to be a role model, after all, many times we caught ourselves siding with a despicable one (House of Cards, Breaking Bad, The Godfather, and so on). The problem is that Anastasia is not interesting or smart.
Her only role is to be manipulated emotionally and sexually by “romantic pair” Christian Grey, and she does very well at it.
2. Christian Grey is a horrible person
After showing an unusual sexual interest in Anastasia to the point of stalking her around, Christian’s response when he finds that she’s a virgin is to immediately take her to bed and, in his words, “assess the situation.”
Anastasia desperately tries to understand and participate on his sexual fetishes, and whenever she fails to be as excited as he is, she is harshly chastised by him - essentially being punished for not satisfying him sexually. His response is always “this is who I am!”
But of course, after Christian plays Mr. Nice Guy again and takes her to a plane ride to the sound of “Love Me Like You Do” by Ellie Goulding, she forgets all about it (see topic 1 for clarification).
Finally, on the last scene, in a last desperate attempt to understand his sexual fantasies, Anastasia asks Christian to show her his worst. He does.
The last thing she tells him before leaving is “I will never let you do that to me again.”
And they made a sequel.
3. Inspired by poor literature
E.L. James, the author of the books that inspired the movies, was never shy to admit that her novels originated from being absorbed into the Twilight fever from several years ago, leading her to write fan sequels. Inspired by her own accomplishments, she decided to turn them into her own books.
Sigh.
There is no need to talk more about Twilight, so I won’t - you already know it all. When referring to “poor literature,” I’m not referring to Stephenie Meyer’s late vampire saga, I’m talking about E.L. James’ own work.
It’s safe to assume anyone who loves (sigh) the trilogy comprised of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” “Fifty Shades Darker,” and “Fifty Shades Freed,” has never read anything from Charles Bukowski, Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, Jane Austen, Anaïs Nin, or J.K. Rowling.
I certainly haven’t read everything from any of these authors, but a basic high school degree should be enough to realize how poor E.L. James’ writing is.
Doubt me? I’ve had my work cut out for me:
50 Shades of Grey: 23 funniest quotes from EL James's novel
50 laughably bad Fifty Shades Darker quotes
Fifty Terrible Lines from Fifty Shades of Grey
E L James' Fifty Shades of Grey Spinoff, Grey: The 21 Most Cringeworthy, WTF Quotes Ranked (NSFW!)
13 Terrible Bits Of Writing In “Fifty Shades Of Grey”
My two favorite quotes are:
“My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars, and abruptly my mouth is dry.” - Fifty Shades of Grey
“His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.” - Fifty Shades of Grey.
4. Nothing happens
Seriously.
You can literally sum the entire first movie with the same repeating words: they talk, they fight, they have sex, they fight, they talk, they have sex, they talk, they fight, they kinda have sex, they break up.
The difference between the first and this one?
This time they don’t fight as much because Anastasia has decided to become completely submissive and do whatever Christian tells her.
And there’s a helicopter chase near the end.
Because movie.
5. It’s not romantic, guys
The greatest flaw in this entire series is the author’s inability to realize the perverted morals of her work, something the filmmakers replicated perfectly.
As previously discussed, there’s nothing wrong with following a morally perverted story. We do it all the time in movies, TV shows, and books - we side with a despicable character doing terrible things, and we enjoy it. So what’s the difference between, say, Francis Underwood from House of Cards, and Christian Grey?
In House of Cards, the writing never tries to say Underwood is anything but evil. We know he is, and he knows he is, but most importantly, the TV show itself knows he is. And they treat him like such - we admire him for his intelligence, wit, humor, and fast thinking. Not for his actions.
While Fifty Shades of Grey thinks it’s being romantic.
Anastasia being stalked by Christian? They’re in love. Christian having her sign a contract that dictates how their sexual intercourse will be? Sexy. Anastasia being chastised for not giving him pleasure, only to have her love bought back after a plane ride? Adorable. Anastasia getting back together with Christian after he willingly beat her because they just can’t stay apart? Romantic.
No, it’s not, guys.
It really, really isn’t.
Stop it.
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Have you seen "50 Shades Darker" or the previous movie? What did you think of them? Let us know in the comments!
